I couldn't wait to grow up....

As a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. I saw that my parents had freedom. They could do what they wanted, could go to bed when they wanted, could eat and drink whatever the hell they wanted and no one cared. Because they were adults. They had jobs, cars, a house and money. I was just a kid. I had to go to bed at 8, get up at 7, go to school, come home and then do homework after dinner. I couldn't go anywhere, do anything without getting permission first. As a kid I hated that. I wanted to be free, I wanted to be able to make my own choices and speak for myself. I wanted to grow up because I felt like when I did, I would finally have a voice.
Now, as a 17 year old girl, I want to be a kid again. After watching my parents get divorced, struggling with my friends addictions and not getting into addiction myself, losing my virginity to a boy I think I love, but I'm not quite sure, and struggling to find a job, get my license and figure out what the hell i'm going to do when I graduate...I feel even more powerless. I feel like the world is rushing around me and i'm being pushed in a million different directions. And I have no gods-damned clue what the hell I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm being pulled in the right directions. If i'm making the right choices. I feel powerless. Sometimes it feels like a million different people are telling me to go one way but at the same time telling me to be independent. I'm being told to grow up but I'm not being told how the fuck to grow up. I need guidence but I don't know how to ask for it, because I've never had much of a voice, so now that I have one, no matter how small it is, I don't know how to use it.
I could ask, but that would show weakness. I don't want people to know my weakness. I want them to see me as the strong girl who grew up too fast and can take care of herself. When she honestly can’t. I wanted to grow up, I wanted to be able to make my own choices. But now I have too many and alot of them don’t help anyone, much less myself. Maybe its my own fault, maybe its because I'm too damn stubborn to ask for help. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Maybe its someone elses fault, maybe its the worlds fault, maybe its the fact that our education system does not prepare any of us for this, growing up, or maybe its because teenagers are constantly ignored in the shadows. Were not cute and quirky anymore but were not old enough to be educated, so were pushed to the shadows till we’re 18 and not ready to be 18. Maybe its just me, maybe I'm the only one who feels like this, which I would assume makes this my fault. Which it probably is, I don’t want to blame anyone, because I know alot of this feeling is my doing. Maybe I should be able to handle this confusion that is growing up but I'm not able to because somethings wrong with me.
Does anyone else who knows how to swim remember that very first time you went into the deep end(with parents permission)? How you felt so gods-damned happy that you got the freedom to jump into the water all the big kids did? How you really weren't the best swimmer but you wanted to try anyway, just so you could show your parents you were too old for the shallow end with all the babies? You went to the deep end, smiled at your parents who were slightly freaked out but wanted you to have freedom, then took a big breath and jumped in? Do you remember how it felt to realize you weren't touching the bottom, you couldn't, and how there was so much water around you and you couldn't grab onto anything. Do you remember how it felt when you splashed up to the surface and splashed around all scared and freaked that you were going to drown. But you didn't want to call for help just yet, because your parents wouldn't ever let you into the deep end again. Do you remember that feeling? Of partially drowning because you tested your limits and finally got some freedom but now you don’t know what to do because you don’t want to drown but don’t want to ask for help. You are trying to remember what you were taught but you can’t think of anything other than how you can’t touch the bottom anymore and there's too much water and you're not getting enough air and black spots are clouding your vision.
Thats how I'm feeling. I'm partially drowning and I don't want to ask for help but I can't touch the bottom and i'm running out of air and my vision is turning black. I'm trying to remember all I've been taught, all I've read and learned all my own, but all I can think is.....
...................Fuck I’m going to die..............
Eventually, that day when I first jumped into the deep end, I doggy paddled my way over to the side of the pool and pulled my weak, air deprived body out of the water and laid on the warm cement. I pretended that I was just tanning and that I wasn't actually about to die. To this day my dad still doesn't know that he almost lost me than. That if I wouldn't of figured out how to doggie paddle to the side, I would've drowned. He would have tried to save me but I’m still not sure if I would have been saved. Maybe now, in my weird semi-drowning-ness, I will be able to pull myself to the side and lay on the cement that saved me so long ago. Maybe then I would feel grownup and happy. Or maybe I just need to realize that I need to stop splashing around and start swimming because there is no concrete to save me. Because if I ask for help I might not get it. Because I may know how to swim but I can’t remember how to do it exactly. Maybe then, I won’t drown.
All I wanted as a kid was to grow up. To put the dolls away, the toys in their place and grow up to makeup, boys, cars, clothes and high school. Now as a teenager who has experienced many of these things and found the darkside to each of them, all I want to do is sit down and play house. To just lose myself in a play game for just one more hour. To be able to act like a child and let someone take care of me. To be able to take off the shoes and run around, catching frogs and playing in the mud. But I can’t, I need to be consumed in this transition time of make up, boys, cars, clothes and high school. But I don’t want to. When I watch my 6 year old sister play with her friends, I wish I could be 6 again. I want that freedom back, I know now that being a child was true freedom, but I also know I won’t get it back.
Right now I’m drowning in the deep end, not wanting to ask for help but needing it desperately. I wanted to grow up, I couldn't wait for it. But now I’m just trying to keep my head above water. And I’m really not sure how well I'm doing.